Possible futures
Thoughts from the morning of my son's 15th birthday.
This is the question I asked myself on the morning of my son’s 15th birthday: What did I imagine, 15 years ago, it would be like to have a kid this age?
First, I really didn’t imagine much beyond the birth (which I had very strong ideas about) and diapering a newborn (cloth pre-folds because they were cheapest and wool covers I hand-knitted) when I was pregnant with Pan.
So much of my adult life was gaping ahead of me at that moment. I felt a lot of overwhelm and remember mainly focusing on getting the baby born.
We didn’t know his sex before he was born, and only had one ultrasound when he was still tiny and curled like a cashew. I didn’t think about who the baby would be so much as I thought about who I was and what kind of mother I’d be.
That’s been the strongest thread in my experience as a parent: I can’t control how my kids (or anyone for that matter) show up; I can only prepare for how I’ll meet them.
There’s this idea in Waldorf early childhood philosophy that it’s not developmentally helpful to over-engineer a child’s play. That open-ended toys — like blocks and silks — are best for supporting imaginative play. And the best thing caregivers can do is create an environment in which children are inspired to follow their own imaginative impulses in play.
That’s really what I’ve tried to do these past 15 years. I’m not always good at being grounded in the present moment. And I’m not always good at participating in the play (definitely not in the ways that Sebastian can). But I’ve worked hard at creating an environment in which Pan’s imagination can thrive — and also his curiosity, his capability, and his inner and outer worlds.
I didn’t picture it; I leaned into creating possible futures where there was ample space for him to show us who he is — and trust that he can.
Was that what I imagined it would be, 15 years ago? Maybe. I was 23, and very much still becoming a fully-fledged human adult. It’s certainly better than anything I could have known to hope for.
Birthing Pan
For years, I thought I had lost the birth story I wrote on the eve of Pan’s first birthday. I’d retired the blog where it was published and, try as I might, I could not find it. Then I tried paying to reactivate the blog and, what do you know, there it was! If you’d like to read the birth story, it’s published here.
A few notes about All Hypnosis is Self-Hypnosis (the official title of this Substack):
Even though it might seem like it, given the percentage of posts I’ve written about him at this point, this is not actually a newsletter about Pan.
My tagline for this Substack is: Diving deep into mindset, media, and motherhood. I wrote that two years ago when I started it, and I think it’s still true.
It’s my intention to hit send on my posts every other Sunday.
I envisioned alternating between mini “essays” (reflections, ramblings, whatever) and link lists (because I love these curations, they’re my favorite way to wander around the internet). However, this week this is what was on my mind. So I’ll do a link list next time.
But also, the most important thing to me right now is to be consistent in the practice of writing and publishing this Substack — whatever that may look like. Thanks for coming along for the ride. ❤️
If you’re reading this in your inbox, you can find a shareable version online here. I’m on Instagram here, and you can reach me at chelseaslaven@gmail.com.