Pre-Op, Post-Op

Writing to you from Tuesday.

July 2009, freshly home from the hospital after an emergency abdominal surgery.

I’m writing this to you from Tuesday evening. Tomorrow, before the sun’s up, I’ll be checking in for a scheduled open myomectomy, or abdominal surgery.

The last time I was in the hospital was over 14 years ago, and it was for a similar procedure. I was 14 weeks pregnant with Orion (Pan was 7 months old) and woke up one day with what felt like period cramps, but got worse and worse throughout the morning. By noon, I was admitted to the hospital for an emergency oophorectomy, to remove a cyst that had torqued, as well as the ovary it had absorbed.

Everything happened so fast, and what I remember most from that time was the overwhelming relief that I wasn’t miscarrying.

Surgery went fine, but my recovery in hospital did not, and I had another emergency operation the next day. After almost a week in the hospital, I was able to go home to rest (with a 7-month old baby lol).

So much is different about this surgery. I’ve known it was coming since November, and have used that time to prepare: my body (so much sleep, so much protein), my home (you know we were deep cleaning every inch during Portland’s ice week), my headspace (thank you, therapy). I’ve got a cold pack in the freezer and a pillbox pre-loaded with tylenol, advil, fish oil, and my iron supplement. I finally bought a lapdesk (which I should have done in 2020 when I was working from bed for the first year of the pandemic). I washed the couch cushions and blankets. I arranged rides for the kids to basketball games.

I’m still anxious.

I think I’m not so anxious about the surgery itself. I really do believe that, on the other side of recovery, this is going to make such a difference to my quality of life. I think I’m anxious about losing my ability to function in the ways I’m used to for an extended period of time (4-6 weeks is the recommended medical leave). To see something that needs to be done and not be able to do it. To lose the control that I’ve so carefully fine-tuned these past 10 years.

At my pre-op appointment last week, my surgeon and I discussed reopening the incision that was made for that surgery 14 years ago. It’s already quite big (because my belly grew and stretched it for 6 months after it was glued up), and there’s no need to add another.

2.5 months post-op in 2009.

5 months after that surgery in 2009, a friend who is also an energy healer worked on this scar tissue, to begin to release some of the tension (and whatever else might knotted up and stored there). That night, I vomited so violently my midwife almost sent us to the hospital.

There’s a metaphor somewhere in this literal reopening of an old wound. Maybe I’ll be able to tell you about it the next time I’m up for writing.

In the meantime, I think I will be watching a lot of TV and reading a lot of books (once the pain med fog clears). I’ve already got a too-tall stack of books, but will you please share your TV & film recs?

Nothing too funny, though. Laughing will hurt for a bit.